How to get laid in Africa, Chapter 5: How to get laid in Zambia

Before all Zambian women get married (which is pretty much the equivalent to getting laid), they must have a kitchen party.

Rule 1: No boys allowed. (Although in recent years, some men – usually family members – have been allowed to either play the drums or take photos.)

Rule 2: All guests must bring a gift. The gift must be a kitchen appliance.

Objective: To teach the bride-to-be “how to please her husband and be a good wife.”

All kitchen parties have an MC – a loud, funny woman who leads the whole event. She introduces the bride-to-be, who enters veiled after all the guests have arrived. She then presents all of the gifts, one by one, and describes and/or demonstrates how to use them (usually in humorous ways) in order to please your husband. Of course she must then describe and/or demonstrate how to please your husband in ways that do not involve kitchen appliances. Some MCs are more sexually explicit than others.

Guests then come up front, tie wraps around their waist, and dance for the bride. Sometimes they do this when presenting their gifts.

During the dancing, other women cheer loudly. The typical cheering sound is a high-pitched yell that vibrates as the women move the tips of their tongues – positioned at the roofs of their mouths – back and forth.

At the end of the dancing, the dancers lie on the ground to say “thank you.”

This repeats until the bride has heard how to use all of her new kitchen tools, and how to please her husband in other ways than in the kitchen. Once your kitchen party is over, you’re ready to get married and get laid.

Previous chapters:
Chapter 1: How to get laid in Ethiopia
Chapter 2: How to get laid in Kenya
Chapter 3: How to get laid in Maasailand
Chapter 4: How to get laid in Malawi

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